[Editor’s note: John Horn and Mark Atkinson were friends at Bishop’s University. But then Mark went to Nova Scotia and John moved to Vancouver. Sporadically, they kept in touch over the years, but – fortunately for you, the noble readers of The Potentiality – their friendship has re-discovered itself thanks to hockey. More specifically thanks to the fact that Mark loves the Boston Bruins and John loves the Vancouver Canucks. Sure, after this series they can never be friends again. But the point is that you will benefit from their being nemesises nemeses nemesoulmates nemesi each others’ worst enemy! GO SPORTS!]
Re-Cap of Before
Mark: Probably the best first period of hockey ever seen. Back and forth and back and forth, and hits and saves and shots off posts. The highlight of this period (and game for me, since we lost) was the unsportsmanlike call on Burrows. Vindication for all of my moaning about all the dives the Canucks take. The second period was wild as well, saves galore, Vancouver players choking under pressure and fanning on wide open nets, etc, etc. As we head in to the third period, I am comfortably situated on my buddy’s couch, pizza in one hand, new flavour of Alexander Keith’s in my right, anxiously waiting to paint his ceiling with pizza sauce and alcohol as I celebrate a 3rd period win for Boston. Then it happened. Once again, going back to NHL ’94 by EA Sports and banking a shot off the boards behind the net. Cheese goal from a cheese team, but a goal none the less. It’s not like every goal in this series has been a beauty. I wasn’t scared, 15mins left in the third, we still have this. But then there was only 10mins left, then five, and next thing you know, our goalie is pulled. For the record, you guys couldn’t even score on an empty net.
John: BAM! Maxim Lapierre! A nicer, funnier guy couldn’t have beaten the Bruins. Luongo pitches a series-saving shutout. And thousands of Canucks fans – who are decidedly the worst – climbed back on the bandwagon. Vancouver totally outplayed Boston in every way and, were it not for Timmy Thomas and a huge whiff from Tanner Glass, the game would’ve been of the 3-0 variety. Anyway, I was on the edge of my seat the entire time and probably had a few minor heart attacks – whatever, I’m relatively young and mostly healthy. If Ryan Kessler can skate through what is most likely the worst groin injury in the history of the universe, then I can walk off some heart tremors.
One disappointing part of the game was the embellishment from a few Canuckleheads, particularly my main man Alex Burrows – I would hate him with the fire of a thousand Suns were he not a Canuck. And the problem is that, because of the head-snapping, the terrible refs are having an even harder time knowing what to call – or a conspiracy theorist like my dad would say that they have evidence at which to point and justify the horrible and bias job that they’re doing.
Predictions: Game 6
John: I predict that Boston fans will be horrible, horrible people. These horrible people will inspire their team early on, but Luongo – chasing demons – will stymie Boston’s early chances. And the Canucks will overcome the horrible, horrible ice and horrible, horrible refereeing in Boston. After some goonish penalties, the Sedins will make the Beantowners pay on the power play (finally). And it will be amazing. Once the nerves and pressure set in, that’ll be it for the Bruins, who will fold like the folding chair Mark sits in when he folds a hand in poker while he folds icing sugar into the delicious cake that he’s making.
Final score: 3-1 Canuckleheads! (Empty-netter by Hank!)
Vancouver will look like this again:
Mark: Back to Boston means back to goal scoring. I can’t believe that was another 1-0 game. I swear, if Vancouver wins the cup in game 7 by less than two goals I’ll need to see a therapist to get over it. If you’re going to be crowned as the best team in the NHL, then play like it. My heart wants me to take the law of averages here and pick 6-1 Bruins after the 8-1 and 4-0 wins in Beantown. As much as Vancouver has managed to squeak out wins at home, Boston had straight up manhandled Vancouver at home, and tonight will be no different. Marchand is going to be a pest, likely will score the first goal, and then it’s Seguin’s turn. I know I predicted he’d set the team on fire after scoring in the past and he hasn’t scored a single goal, but tonight will be different. Once he scores, it’s over. He’s pumped, the rest of the team’s pumped, Thomas is pumped, you’re done. Speaking of Marchand, unlike you’re crybaby goaltender, we know how to laugh at ourselves. Check out Marchand below in his “Nose-Face Killah” T-shirt during a television interview. He’s got one heck of a schnoz and he ‘nose’ it. Gonna do some nose-face killin’ tonight son. Bruins 5-0.
[INSERT TRASH TALK HERE]
John: It’s been a pleasure writing with you, Mark. But I’m afraid that your goons of Boston and the terrible people not named Mark Atkinson who support them have run out of time. Look. We lost a couple of games because Gary Betman called Mike Gillis and asked the Canucks to throw a couple to make things interesting. I mean, it’s the only thing that makes sense, right?
Hey, Boston fans – how about we keep the hate crimes to zero in this game? Cool? Thanks. Human rights kinda sorta trump the mantra of “my local sports team is better than your local sports team” doncha think? Also, nothing will make the Canucks and their fans happier than skating Lord Stanley’s Cup around TD Garden. It’ll be a beautiful thing! Almost as beautiful as this video that I can’t believe I haven’t posted until now:
Mark: Luongo says he would have stopped the shot that gave them the win in game 5? I guess it was the 12 goals he let by him in games 3 & 4 that he hasn’t figured out just yet. Someone tell Count Chocula to stop adding flames to the fire. The Bruins and their fans are already seething at the chance to embarrass that smug little punk. He may as well wear his lingerie to the game because it’s going to look like he’s in the Red Light District with all of the pucks going past him. There’s a certain confidence that the Bruins have at home, and their back is against the wall, two reasons the Bruins are going to put a pounding on the Canucks tonight. I’m sporting my Thornton gear for the game tonight, just to let all the bandwagoners know what a real fan looks like. I hope Tim Thomas challenges Luongo at centre ice, cause you know Luongo would turtle so fast it’d make your head spin. This will be physical from the get go, someone on your team is leaving with at least a severe charlie horse. To borrow from a friend: “The NBA proved that there are sports gods, and at the end of the day they will never let gutless teams like the Vancouver Canucks and Miami Heat win championships. They just aren’t worthy. The Bruins have too much pride to let Vancouver take the Cup on their ice.”
