[Editor’s note: a few weeks ago, our Managing Editor, Kurt Heinrich, finally popped the question to his red headed partner, Theo. As a BFF of both these fantastic people – and as a bit of an exciteable showman – I couldn’t wait to pitch some innovative ideas about the myriad ways in which I could add value to their special day. Without further ado, here are six roles that I offered to play at the 2012 Lamrich Weddingfest – can you guess which one(s) they chose?]

WEDDING GENERALIST

…a helping hand who does everything from airport pickups to food prep to creating diversions.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Application of critical thinking, problem solving and motivational yelling in general direction of people
• Constant, enthusiastic repetition of trademarked catchphrase: “anything you need – I only do solutions”

LOWLIGHTS:

• Lack of focused specialization of this role could result in “scope creep” and “wedding takeover”
• Could confusingly combine “general” and “Stalinist,” resulting in conflict with German guests

DOES (OR DOES NOT) WORK WELL WITH THESE OTHER ROLES:

• DOES NOT WORK WITH ANY OTHER ROLE – a generalist, by definition, is doing a bit of everything
• WORKS WITH EVERY OTHER ROLE – a generalist, by definition, gives support by doing a bit of everything

THE GUY WHO MARRIES YOU

…a spiritual – yet “rationally Germanic” – modest and meaningful unifier of two souls.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• High moral standing will allow for qualified representation of spiritual and/or legal bodies/institutions
• Powerful oratory skills will captivate audience (in person and on “higher-plain”) in very special ways

LOWLIGHTS:

• Attempts to “warm up the crowd” could transform into twenty-minute stand-up-comedy routine
• Lack of “script vetting” might result in tri-marriage, which isn’t really bad, but would be kinda weird

DOES (OR DOES NOT) WORK WELL WITH THESE OTHER ROLES:

• BEST MAN OR MAN OF HONOUR – affiliation with specific “camp” could unbalance ceremony content
• Works well with EMCEE HORN 5000, as colourful robes and audience-buy-in connect both speaking roles

BEST MAN

…the dude who organizes a mostly-illegal bachelor party, holds rings and makes the groom feel like a king.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Intimate history with Kurt and loving understanding of his likes, dislikes, fears, secrets, and Germanity
• “On-the-ground” knowledge of Vancouver and outgoing connector of Kurt’s world-spanning friendships

LOWLIGHTS:

• Kurt might die and could possibly get arrested at the bachelor party  – he will definitely get injured while naked
• Corduroy suit will take away from other groomsmen…and Kurt (corduroy suit will be grey or grey-like) [Editor’s note: this refers to an inside-joke about a time when Kurt bought a $1,000 grey suit and was then asked to rent a different colour suit for a friend’s wedding, because it didn’t match the other suits].
  

DOES (OR DOES NOT) WORK WELL WITH THESE OTHER ROLES:

• Huge conflict of interest with the MAN OF HONOUR and GUY WHO MARRIES YOU roles
• Jives with WEDDING GENERALIST, EMCEE HORN 5000 and THAT GUY (after midnight) roles

MAN OF HONOUR

…typically a lady, but it’s the twenty-first-century; the bride’s go-to guy for everything non-girlie.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Thorough knowledge of Theo Lamb, parties, red-hair, and defusing girl-related political situations
• Standing next to each other, John and Max (in dresses) will make everything more fabulous

LOWLIGHTS:

• Not easily squeezing into form-fitting dress and/or Kurt being jealous could taint wedding fun
• Spectacular height difference between bride and MAN OF HONOUR

DOES (OR DOES NOT) WORK WELL WITH THESE OTHER ROLES:

• ANY. OTHER. ROLE. It is absolutely unacceptable for the MAN OF HONOUR to lead any other wedding-related-responsibility that would take away from the Queen-like worship of Bride Theodora Lamrich

THE EMCEE HORN 5000

…deliverer of touching, hilarious, media-rich, and edutaining content with “couple-first” focus.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Exceptional application of exceptional media-supported oration and exceptional humour-related skills
• Comprehensive knowledge of Lamrich-couple positions John as a powerful couple-oriented storyteller

LOWLIGHTS:

• At times, THE EMCEE HORN 5000 becomes self-aware and tries to overthrow the human race…
• Re-application of flipchart humour could seem redundant and “so last year” for some attendees

DOES (OR DOES NOT) WORK WELL WITH THESE OTHER ROLES:

• Works very well with THE DUDE WHO MARRIES YOU role, as their combination will “set a nice tone”
• Does not work well with MAN OF HONOUR or THAT GUY roles due to conflict of interest and idiocy

“THAT GUY”

…it’s what you get when you cross friends, strangers, a few drinks, showmanship, a stage, and Horn, John Horn.

HIGHLIGHTS:

• Hilarious, debaucherous and fire-juggling-dancing-singing entertainment for the whole* family!
• *probably not well-suited for children under 10 or old people…I’m just saying

LOWLIGHTS:

• Three words: wedding on fire
• Not everyone at a wedding “gets” John Horn humour; besides, it’s your wedding, not John’s birthday

DOES (OR DOES NOT) WORK WELL WITH THESE OTHER ROLES:

• Goes well with BEST MAN or MAN OF HONOUR duties, but only if THAT GUY arrives after midnight
• Does not go well with EMCEE HORN 5000 or THE DUDE WHO MARRIES YOU or, really, any of the roles